“What is presence without guilt? For more, for less. Without urgency, with gratitude. To feel deserving. To have no expectations. The want for more to slow and the feeling of contentment to come forth.”– Excerpt from my journal, August 18, 2023

At almost two years later, having taken the time to think of my solo excursions after quitting, or running away rather, from my first “big girl job”. I am only just scratching the surface. Frankly, fucking off to a few European countries seems so glamorous to discuss with friends, coworkers, and people that follow me online. However, that very genuine, but still somewhat obligatory “how was your trip?” question panicked me for the longest time. Was I to answer truthfully, selfishly? What would the reaction be if I said it was not perfect? Would I tell people of the time I spent begging a waiter for my check, ten minutes into a meal because I convinced myself that I was dying? Would I tell them that even after the offer of a free meal, dessert, or anything else the steward could hurriedly volunteer; I left more money than my meal on the table just to leave so I could count my pulse and suck in the fresh air of the warm Viennese night? Or should I give the answer that it was a perfect trip? So lucky to have gone and been blessed with the ability to travel and gather new experiences? What would the reaction be? And if answered truthfully, would I come off impudent?

“Everything suddenly became noisy, I wasn’t getting any more hydrated. I was so hungry. My throat was closing. I was too warm. I could suddenly feel how hot my feet were in my shoes. My jeans became damp with sweat. I asked for the check even though I hadn’t finished. I was still hungry. I got a free cake that I didn’t eat because I was internally losing my shit. Five things you can see… four things you can hear…three things you can feel… two things you can smell… one thing you can taste…”– August 18, 2023

The answer to me now is clear. To be unriddled with the guilt that faced me long after. I am able to be transparent. To be open to the idea that real-life things (the things we wish we could edit out) do not need to limit or downplay our experiences. I want to open up the discussion of what we see, post, like, comment on online, and even kick around in real life; to talk about two truths. Perhaps looking at it now, the whole truth. It’s one story.

So here I am. Twenty-two, trying to eat while simultaneously trying to talk myself out of an actual my-throat-is-closing-and-I-am-going-to-die–here panic attack. In Vienna, alone; dining in a nice restaurant. Reaching the highest of highs, and simultaneously, some lows. I spent a lot of my time away tackling feelings about where I was at that time of my life, freshly unshackled by a job I hated, scared because why the hell did I leave a great paying job with nothing else lined up? Mixed in with thoughts of ‘who cares, I am on a beach. I am drinking coffee. I have cool things lined up for the foreseeable future.’ The wrestling in my head had disturbed, what I thought should be, the picture-perfect experience.

“Any emotions I may have are being clouded by tiredness I believe. I don’t want to be a little shit right off the bat. Most people will never get to see this view firsthand or be in the position that I am in to do it.”– August 9, 2023

By being able to travel despite the circumstances, despite my body and my brain fighting me; fighting the guilt of not being able to take it in perfectly (and portraying so online). And still being able to be present and willing to show up and try again.

“It felt good hearing someone else having the same sentiments as me. Being here is enough. Overwhelming and beautiful enough.”– August 21, 2023

“… A part of me wonders if that scared bit of me will be here forever, or if she will be quieted as I learn or hope to learn that all of my answers are in myself. I don’t need to outsource when questions pertain to me, my well-being, or my direction. Is it okay if I skip Dublin?“- August 13, 2023

To be okay with taking in the good, being gracious with the bad. Understanding limits and honoring my needs was what most of that time was about. I am okay with expressing it now, and happy to discuss with like-minded individuals. My trip was healing, tough, wonderful, it was rugged. I carried sour candies in my pocket to snap me out of my panic attacks (I was averaging about two a day). I kept it moving, and I am ready for another.

“What is a macchiato anyway? I got caramel foam and hot ass on my tongue. God I am so exhausted. Thinking about just how exhausted I am makes me not want to go to Maine- but also? What a pussy move. Oh, you want to forfeit a wonderful experience because you’re tired? At the moment yes I do. I’m going to need a redbull. And I want a sandwich. I just finished my chocolate croissant; what’s the appropriate amount of time to wait to go back in line?”– August 23, 2023